IDIOMS- Mike and Molly - Carl is Jealous

This clip is full of idioms
Here are some explanations for various idioms and phrases taken from this hilarious clip.
You almost flattened a small dog-
-Mike fell on top of a dog and almost crushed it.

Tatoo it on your eatin' hand
-Mike is always eating, so Carl tells him if he tattoos something on the hand he uses to eat, he’ll have a constant reminder of it.

Play the fat card
-have things said about him for being fat, or make excuses for himself because he’s fat

Play the hand I’m dealt
-when playing cards, everyone is dealt a “hand” of cards. Carl is saying that he has been given what he has been given, and he is in good shape, as opposed to Mike.

Old married couple
-a couple, husband and wife, who have been married to each other for a long time

Bickering
-constant arguing, and a term often used in reference to a couple.

guys bustin' each other’s stones
-two guys saying critical things to each other, but in a good humored way

..”so you can take one of your little ´bat naps´”
-A nap is a short period of sleep and in this case Carl throws in the term “bat” because they are talking about being Batman and Robin.

Twist my words
-change something I’ve said

Cop-hatin' gang bangers
-criminals who don’t like policemen

“Do you want your little school teacher to take the grade A double yoke to the back of the head?”
-Do you want Molly to get hit in the back of the head with an egg?  (this was asked after Mike makes the comment that they’ve never been shot at, only around Halloween with eggs.)

I hear what you’re saying.
-I understand what you’re saying.